So how did this whole thing come about? What caused me to reach out to my wife's best friend and begin this relationship? Would you believe dreams?
For about a month and a half prior to the relationship beginning I had dreams about the mistress. These dreams ranged from innocent and playful to downright hardcore. I could not get these images out of my head whenever she came around. I convinced myself that the reason I am having these dreams is because this is what I am supposed to do.
With the confidence that I was supposed to get with the mistress, I playfully one day, made a comment about her kissing me as she was leaving my house. We teased each other about her coming back inside and getting a kiss. Soon she left for her home. I was not done!
My wife came home and I found a way to get out of the house almost immediately. I called the mistress and asked to come by and talk with her. We stood in her kitchen and chatted. Before long we kissed. The supposed "dream" was becoming a reality...and I didn't care about anyone else.
Looking back, I cannot believe that selfishness caused me to do what I did. An affair is one thing. An affair with your wife's best friend is another. But an affair with your wife's best friend for almost 3 years...that's the ultimate in me, me, me. The dreams that I had made it seem as if that is where I needed to be. I believed them. One scary thing to me is that Satan truly uses ANYTHING at his disposal to get to you.
Have I had dreams again of the mistress? Yes I have. However, none of these dreams are of a sexual nature. The dreams are primarily of her being mad at me and me wondering how she is doing. As my counselor has stated, I have to be on-guard at all times. The moment I let some seemingly innocent dream guide me, I could be back where I was. That's not a place I EVER want to be again...
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Monday, August 6, 2007
Cheating 101
I decided to write a little bit about the ways I was able to cheat on my wife and keep her from finding out. I hope that in my sharing these I can help you catch a cheater. If you are reading this to find ways to cheat, well, I hope you continue to read my blog because I will, hopefully, convince you its not worth it.
There are a couple of items that helped me cheat and enabled me to perform the tasks that I will discuss. First being trust. My wife felt there was no need for her to worry about me. She trusted me explicitly. She felt she had me for life. After all, for quite a while I was very active in our church and I spent my days caring for my kids while my wife worked.
Second, was the fact that I am "computer savvy". I used this ability to keep my wife further in the dark. I used a computer operating system that allowed me to create two accounts with mine having full control and hers having minimal access. From here I was able to do whatever I wanted to electronically and never have to share that information.
Here are some of the methods I used (in no particular order)
1. Find someone that you can trust enough to cheat with. Sounds easy right? If your spouse spends a great deal of time with someone of the opposite sex, then its very likely that your spouse trusts that person and vice versa. Once trust is established, there becomes a need to share your innermost thoughts, feelings and desires. This sharing is common in friendship right? It shouldn't be occurring if one or both of the parties is married.
I learned that my wife's best friend was unhappy in her marriage. I found this out because our daughters played together often and she would come by the house to drop off/pick up her child. From casual conversation this information was given to me. It also didn't help that I am quite the flirt and I am sure that led to the initial attraction that led to the trust.
As the affair continued, I knew that this person wouldn't share that we were doing this. Because of that it allowed me to cover many tracks because I was able to use my wife's best friend as an agent of mine.
2. Cell Phone Records / Email /Internet Usage- I had our cell phones (mine and my wife's) on one account. However, the mistress would call me on that phone and call block the number. On Cingular, now AT&T's bill, this shows up as your cell phone number. Combine that with not allowing my wife access to the bill and voila! Not getting caught that way. I should also mention the mistress's husband had no access to her cell phone bills either. Once again the trust issues allowed for us to hide this.
In regards to email, the mistress would send me emails to my personal account for two reasons. One she would be mad at me and needed to vent or wanted to talk dirty. Two because she knew my wife had zero access to my email. That gave another way of communcation and continuance of the affair without interferring in our day to day life.
Internet usage was a factor with me because in between my Window with my wife and my times with the mistress, I would watch porn. That is a section for another post alone.
3. Be Great Actors - The misstress and I saw each other every Wednesday and Sunday at church and at other social events. We would make comments to one another in front of our spouses and friends just because we knew we could and no one was more the wiser. As I stated before I am quite the flirt. If you heard me flirting chances are you would pay it no mind.
This aspect REALLY bothered the mistress but I excelled in this arena. After all, I was getting what I wanted and not having to do much other than pretend to want more from the mistress.
There are other ways I was able to pull this off but, quite frankly, trust helped for all of these to happen without getting caught.
There are a couple of items that helped me cheat and enabled me to perform the tasks that I will discuss. First being trust. My wife felt there was no need for her to worry about me. She trusted me explicitly. She felt she had me for life. After all, for quite a while I was very active in our church and I spent my days caring for my kids while my wife worked.
Second, was the fact that I am "computer savvy". I used this ability to keep my wife further in the dark. I used a computer operating system that allowed me to create two accounts with mine having full control and hers having minimal access. From here I was able to do whatever I wanted to electronically and never have to share that information.
Here are some of the methods I used (in no particular order)
1. Find someone that you can trust enough to cheat with. Sounds easy right? If your spouse spends a great deal of time with someone of the opposite sex, then its very likely that your spouse trusts that person and vice versa. Once trust is established, there becomes a need to share your innermost thoughts, feelings and desires. This sharing is common in friendship right? It shouldn't be occurring if one or both of the parties is married.
I learned that my wife's best friend was unhappy in her marriage. I found this out because our daughters played together often and she would come by the house to drop off/pick up her child. From casual conversation this information was given to me. It also didn't help that I am quite the flirt and I am sure that led to the initial attraction that led to the trust.
As the affair continued, I knew that this person wouldn't share that we were doing this. Because of that it allowed me to cover many tracks because I was able to use my wife's best friend as an agent of mine.
2. Cell Phone Records / Email /Internet Usage- I had our cell phones (mine and my wife's) on one account. However, the mistress would call me on that phone and call block the number. On Cingular, now AT&T's bill, this shows up as your cell phone number. Combine that with not allowing my wife access to the bill and voila! Not getting caught that way. I should also mention the mistress's husband had no access to her cell phone bills either. Once again the trust issues allowed for us to hide this.
In regards to email, the mistress would send me emails to my personal account for two reasons. One she would be mad at me and needed to vent or wanted to talk dirty. Two because she knew my wife had zero access to my email. That gave another way of communcation and continuance of the affair without interferring in our day to day life.
Internet usage was a factor with me because in between my Window with my wife and my times with the mistress, I would watch porn. That is a section for another post alone.
3. Be Great Actors - The misstress and I saw each other every Wednesday and Sunday at church and at other social events. We would make comments to one another in front of our spouses and friends just because we knew we could and no one was more the wiser. As I stated before I am quite the flirt. If you heard me flirting chances are you would pay it no mind.
This aspect REALLY bothered the mistress but I excelled in this arena. After all, I was getting what I wanted and not having to do much other than pretend to want more from the mistress.
There are other ways I was able to pull this off but, quite frankly, trust helped for all of these to happen without getting caught.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Signs of a Problem
Now that I walked through the first years of my marriage, I would like to take this time to discuss something a little more close to the situation that has inspired me to talk about this.
For quite some time I felt the need to discuss my infidelity but had no idea how to express it. My wife knows all about my infidelity. My kids are aware dad did something wrong. My friends have been through hell with us during the time I was seperated from my wife. I felt like I needed to discuss more. I have been blogging off and on for a couple of years now and felt that this would be a great method of getting my thoughts out and helping me move on from this at the same time. Hopefully I can manage that.
I mentioned in the first posting about my wife and I getting pregnant prior to our marriage. Eleven years after that happened we finally discussed one of the biggest obstacles that we faced that led to my infidelity.
My wife equated sex to the fact that her life changed so dramatically. Not that she resented our son, or the kids after, but she saw sex as the vehicle that changed the path that her life was heading. Put me in the mix and you have a great combination ripe for what happened.
My wife, was and is still, absolutely stunning to me. Physically she is amazing (especially after 3 kids. However, sex was something that she put little stock in and I wanted to take lots of stock out of. (I should also mention that my wife has never been with anyone else but me, unfortunately I can not make that same statement). Being a normal man in my early 20s, I wanted it daily, hourly, and more often than that. However, she was not on that page with me.
Several years had gone by. We had three awesome, healthy kids. But our relationship was not going anywhere - especially in the bedroom. We had, what I called, the Window of Opportunity. From Friday nights to Sunday mornings, this was the time I was allowed to make love to my wife. This was something that she came up with on her own and never discussed this with me.
So I knew that at some point during that Window, I was going to get to make love to my wife. However, there were times where she felt bad, or a kid kept her up late into the night, and she did not feel like doing anything but sleeping. Instead of saying that she was tired, sick, etc. she would just say nothing. She would just roll over and go to sleep. "WHAT?!?!?! I followed your rules and now nothing?", would be a favorite phrase I would recite to myself.
I resented her. I hated myself. I hated her. I felt like less than a man. Yet, I still loved her but I had no idea how to discuss this with her. Especially given her lack of communication.
For quite some time I felt the need to discuss my infidelity but had no idea how to express it. My wife knows all about my infidelity. My kids are aware dad did something wrong. My friends have been through hell with us during the time I was seperated from my wife. I felt like I needed to discuss more. I have been blogging off and on for a couple of years now and felt that this would be a great method of getting my thoughts out and helping me move on from this at the same time. Hopefully I can manage that.
I mentioned in the first posting about my wife and I getting pregnant prior to our marriage. Eleven years after that happened we finally discussed one of the biggest obstacles that we faced that led to my infidelity.
My wife equated sex to the fact that her life changed so dramatically. Not that she resented our son, or the kids after, but she saw sex as the vehicle that changed the path that her life was heading. Put me in the mix and you have a great combination ripe for what happened.
My wife, was and is still, absolutely stunning to me. Physically she is amazing (especially after 3 kids. However, sex was something that she put little stock in and I wanted to take lots of stock out of. (I should also mention that my wife has never been with anyone else but me, unfortunately I can not make that same statement). Being a normal man in my early 20s, I wanted it daily, hourly, and more often than that. However, she was not on that page with me.
Several years had gone by. We had three awesome, healthy kids. But our relationship was not going anywhere - especially in the bedroom. We had, what I called, the Window of Opportunity. From Friday nights to Sunday mornings, this was the time I was allowed to make love to my wife. This was something that she came up with on her own and never discussed this with me.
So I knew that at some point during that Window, I was going to get to make love to my wife. However, there were times where she felt bad, or a kid kept her up late into the night, and she did not feel like doing anything but sleeping. Instead of saying that she was tired, sick, etc. she would just say nothing. She would just roll over and go to sleep. "WHAT?!?!?! I followed your rules and now nothing?", would be a favorite phrase I would recite to myself.
I resented her. I hated myself. I hated her. I felt like less than a man. Yet, I still loved her but I had no idea how to discuss this with her. Especially given her lack of communication.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
First Blog...We Are Married...We Are Tested...
Welcome to the Cheaters Confessional. I have decided to write this blog in order to, hopefully, reach out to those who are cheating on their spouses or thinking about doing so and show them that there is a better way to work out your problems at home...with your spouse's help. In addition, I am writing this to help myself in the process.
You might ask yourself, "What do you know about cheating?" Well lots...from March 2004 until January of 2007 I was involved in an affair with my wife's best friend. There I said it. Me and her had an absolutely illicit affair that she and I both seemed to not care about getting caught or the harm that we were doing to our families.
Now before I get into the meat and potatoes of my sin, I want to give a little background information on me and how I got to this point. My wife and I were married over 11 years ago. We got married a little faster than what some might have done. We did date for over a year. Not that time is of importance here. When we got married she was pregnant with our first child. Now that little fact caused so much in the way of problems then we thought it ever would. More on that in a future post.
She and I had a fantastic "courtship". We went out often. We stayed up till all hours of the night talking. We were attracted to one another physically and emotionally. That Wednesday when she showed up to my apartment to tell me that she was pregnant, I knew exactly what I had to do. I got on one knee and asked her to marry me.
We DID get married because we loved each other. The plan was for us to get married once my wife completed college. We just moved that up a couple of years when we walked down the isle. The ceremony was attended by us, of course, and a couple that went to school with her and my friend from the military along with the minister. We decided to tell our parents after the fact. Looking back, I am glad we did it the way we did. It made the stressfullness of that night disappear because we were focused on was each other.
The ceremony was quite nice and subtle. Afterwards we travelled to a nearby town to spend the evening at a bed and breakfast. It seems that after this point is where the rollercoaster began...
My wife travelled alone to tell her parents that we were married and that she was expecting. This was one decision that I do not think was the best. Upon hearing this, her parents were angry, upset and asked her to get her belongings out of their house. To make matters worse, they also called themselves Christians and her father was an elder at a rather large church. This makes it worse because at the time, while I did attend church with my wife, I never really called myself Christian because I felt that I had not earned that title yet.
My wife called me in tears. Her parents basically disowned her. Her siblings were appalled. The one person she was supposed to be able to lean on, me, was more than 5 hours away.
Upon her return, we were told by her parents to come back the next week in order to gather the rest of my wife's belongings while her parents were out of town. That weekend came and we went to her hometown. While we were there her sisters and her brother-in-law had us over for dinner. This was the first attempt by the family to get to know me even though I had been around for over a year. The brother-in-law and I sat on the couch and were talking about soccer. All the while I had an ear out listening to the girls talk. The more I listened that more I was becoming upset. Her sisters told her that she was tearing the family apart and that she was harming her parents' reputation. Finally after having enough, my wife ran to the bathroom crying. I followed right behind and let the family know my life story. I told them about my family. My upbringing. The lack of spiritual leadership in my home. That even though I was the only one my wife was ever with, I had been with others and she was the one I wanted.
This went on for about two hours before the sisters and the brother-in-law agreed that I was not what they thought. My wife and I left that evening. I felt confident that I had did the right thing.
The next week she received a phone call from her dad. He asked if she and I could come back down that weekend. I just knew it would be another knock down verbal battle. This time with the parents. I was scared to death!
We arrived at their home and her dad tried to small talk with me. Her mom walked out back and said nothing to either my wife or me. I thought, "So much for anything being different." As we sat down for dinner, I was informed that I was being placed inbetween her mom and her dad. As her dad began to say the prayer he then said the words that I still cannot believe that were said, "Today we welcome a new member to the family." Her mom gave me a big hug and kiss on the cheek.
I will tell the rest of the background soon. Stay posted.
You might ask yourself, "What do you know about cheating?" Well lots...from March 2004 until January of 2007 I was involved in an affair with my wife's best friend. There I said it. Me and her had an absolutely illicit affair that she and I both seemed to not care about getting caught or the harm that we were doing to our families.
Now before I get into the meat and potatoes of my sin, I want to give a little background information on me and how I got to this point. My wife and I were married over 11 years ago. We got married a little faster than what some might have done. We did date for over a year. Not that time is of importance here. When we got married she was pregnant with our first child. Now that little fact caused so much in the way of problems then we thought it ever would. More on that in a future post.
She and I had a fantastic "courtship". We went out often. We stayed up till all hours of the night talking. We were attracted to one another physically and emotionally. That Wednesday when she showed up to my apartment to tell me that she was pregnant, I knew exactly what I had to do. I got on one knee and asked her to marry me.
We DID get married because we loved each other. The plan was for us to get married once my wife completed college. We just moved that up a couple of years when we walked down the isle. The ceremony was attended by us, of course, and a couple that went to school with her and my friend from the military along with the minister. We decided to tell our parents after the fact. Looking back, I am glad we did it the way we did. It made the stressfullness of that night disappear because we were focused on was each other.
The ceremony was quite nice and subtle. Afterwards we travelled to a nearby town to spend the evening at a bed and breakfast. It seems that after this point is where the rollercoaster began...
My wife travelled alone to tell her parents that we were married and that she was expecting. This was one decision that I do not think was the best. Upon hearing this, her parents were angry, upset and asked her to get her belongings out of their house. To make matters worse, they also called themselves Christians and her father was an elder at a rather large church. This makes it worse because at the time, while I did attend church with my wife, I never really called myself Christian because I felt that I had not earned that title yet.
My wife called me in tears. Her parents basically disowned her. Her siblings were appalled. The one person she was supposed to be able to lean on, me, was more than 5 hours away.
Upon her return, we were told by her parents to come back the next week in order to gather the rest of my wife's belongings while her parents were out of town. That weekend came and we went to her hometown. While we were there her sisters and her brother-in-law had us over for dinner. This was the first attempt by the family to get to know me even though I had been around for over a year. The brother-in-law and I sat on the couch and were talking about soccer. All the while I had an ear out listening to the girls talk. The more I listened that more I was becoming upset. Her sisters told her that she was tearing the family apart and that she was harming her parents' reputation. Finally after having enough, my wife ran to the bathroom crying. I followed right behind and let the family know my life story. I told them about my family. My upbringing. The lack of spiritual leadership in my home. That even though I was the only one my wife was ever with, I had been with others and she was the one I wanted.
This went on for about two hours before the sisters and the brother-in-law agreed that I was not what they thought. My wife and I left that evening. I felt confident that I had did the right thing.
The next week she received a phone call from her dad. He asked if she and I could come back down that weekend. I just knew it would be another knock down verbal battle. This time with the parents. I was scared to death!
We arrived at their home and her dad tried to small talk with me. Her mom walked out back and said nothing to either my wife or me. I thought, "So much for anything being different." As we sat down for dinner, I was informed that I was being placed inbetween her mom and her dad. As her dad began to say the prayer he then said the words that I still cannot believe that were said, "Today we welcome a new member to the family." Her mom gave me a big hug and kiss on the cheek.
I will tell the rest of the background soon. Stay posted.
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