Now that I walked through the first years of my marriage, I would like to take this time to discuss something a little more close to the situation that has inspired me to talk about this.
For quite some time I felt the need to discuss my infidelity but had no idea how to express it. My wife knows all about my infidelity. My kids are aware dad did something wrong. My friends have been through hell with us during the time I was seperated from my wife. I felt like I needed to discuss more. I have been blogging off and on for a couple of years now and felt that this would be a great method of getting my thoughts out and helping me move on from this at the same time. Hopefully I can manage that.
I mentioned in the first posting about my wife and I getting pregnant prior to our marriage. Eleven years after that happened we finally discussed one of the biggest obstacles that we faced that led to my infidelity.
My wife equated sex to the fact that her life changed so dramatically. Not that she resented our son, or the kids after, but she saw sex as the vehicle that changed the path that her life was heading. Put me in the mix and you have a great combination ripe for what happened.
My wife, was and is still, absolutely stunning to me. Physically she is amazing (especially after 3 kids. However, sex was something that she put little stock in and I wanted to take lots of stock out of. (I should also mention that my wife has never been with anyone else but me, unfortunately I can not make that same statement). Being a normal man in my early 20s, I wanted it daily, hourly, and more often than that. However, she was not on that page with me.
Several years had gone by. We had three awesome, healthy kids. But our relationship was not going anywhere - especially in the bedroom. We had, what I called, the Window of Opportunity. From Friday nights to Sunday mornings, this was the time I was allowed to make love to my wife. This was something that she came up with on her own and never discussed this with me.
So I knew that at some point during that Window, I was going to get to make love to my wife. However, there were times where she felt bad, or a kid kept her up late into the night, and she did not feel like doing anything but sleeping. Instead of saying that she was tired, sick, etc. she would just say nothing. She would just roll over and go to sleep. "WHAT?!?!?! I followed your rules and now nothing?", would be a favorite phrase I would recite to myself.
I resented her. I hated myself. I hated her. I felt like less than a man. Yet, I still loved her but I had no idea how to discuss this with her. Especially given her lack of communication.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Sunday, July 22, 2007
First Blog...We Are Married...We Are Tested...
Welcome to the Cheaters Confessional. I have decided to write this blog in order to, hopefully, reach out to those who are cheating on their spouses or thinking about doing so and show them that there is a better way to work out your problems at home...with your spouse's help. In addition, I am writing this to help myself in the process.
You might ask yourself, "What do you know about cheating?" Well lots...from March 2004 until January of 2007 I was involved in an affair with my wife's best friend. There I said it. Me and her had an absolutely illicit affair that she and I both seemed to not care about getting caught or the harm that we were doing to our families.
Now before I get into the meat and potatoes of my sin, I want to give a little background information on me and how I got to this point. My wife and I were married over 11 years ago. We got married a little faster than what some might have done. We did date for over a year. Not that time is of importance here. When we got married she was pregnant with our first child. Now that little fact caused so much in the way of problems then we thought it ever would. More on that in a future post.
She and I had a fantastic "courtship". We went out often. We stayed up till all hours of the night talking. We were attracted to one another physically and emotionally. That Wednesday when she showed up to my apartment to tell me that she was pregnant, I knew exactly what I had to do. I got on one knee and asked her to marry me.
We DID get married because we loved each other. The plan was for us to get married once my wife completed college. We just moved that up a couple of years when we walked down the isle. The ceremony was attended by us, of course, and a couple that went to school with her and my friend from the military along with the minister. We decided to tell our parents after the fact. Looking back, I am glad we did it the way we did. It made the stressfullness of that night disappear because we were focused on was each other.
The ceremony was quite nice and subtle. Afterwards we travelled to a nearby town to spend the evening at a bed and breakfast. It seems that after this point is where the rollercoaster began...
My wife travelled alone to tell her parents that we were married and that she was expecting. This was one decision that I do not think was the best. Upon hearing this, her parents were angry, upset and asked her to get her belongings out of their house. To make matters worse, they also called themselves Christians and her father was an elder at a rather large church. This makes it worse because at the time, while I did attend church with my wife, I never really called myself Christian because I felt that I had not earned that title yet.
My wife called me in tears. Her parents basically disowned her. Her siblings were appalled. The one person she was supposed to be able to lean on, me, was more than 5 hours away.
Upon her return, we were told by her parents to come back the next week in order to gather the rest of my wife's belongings while her parents were out of town. That weekend came and we went to her hometown. While we were there her sisters and her brother-in-law had us over for dinner. This was the first attempt by the family to get to know me even though I had been around for over a year. The brother-in-law and I sat on the couch and were talking about soccer. All the while I had an ear out listening to the girls talk. The more I listened that more I was becoming upset. Her sisters told her that she was tearing the family apart and that she was harming her parents' reputation. Finally after having enough, my wife ran to the bathroom crying. I followed right behind and let the family know my life story. I told them about my family. My upbringing. The lack of spiritual leadership in my home. That even though I was the only one my wife was ever with, I had been with others and she was the one I wanted.
This went on for about two hours before the sisters and the brother-in-law agreed that I was not what they thought. My wife and I left that evening. I felt confident that I had did the right thing.
The next week she received a phone call from her dad. He asked if she and I could come back down that weekend. I just knew it would be another knock down verbal battle. This time with the parents. I was scared to death!
We arrived at their home and her dad tried to small talk with me. Her mom walked out back and said nothing to either my wife or me. I thought, "So much for anything being different." As we sat down for dinner, I was informed that I was being placed inbetween her mom and her dad. As her dad began to say the prayer he then said the words that I still cannot believe that were said, "Today we welcome a new member to the family." Her mom gave me a big hug and kiss on the cheek.
I will tell the rest of the background soon. Stay posted.
You might ask yourself, "What do you know about cheating?" Well lots...from March 2004 until January of 2007 I was involved in an affair with my wife's best friend. There I said it. Me and her had an absolutely illicit affair that she and I both seemed to not care about getting caught or the harm that we were doing to our families.
Now before I get into the meat and potatoes of my sin, I want to give a little background information on me and how I got to this point. My wife and I were married over 11 years ago. We got married a little faster than what some might have done. We did date for over a year. Not that time is of importance here. When we got married she was pregnant with our first child. Now that little fact caused so much in the way of problems then we thought it ever would. More on that in a future post.
She and I had a fantastic "courtship". We went out often. We stayed up till all hours of the night talking. We were attracted to one another physically and emotionally. That Wednesday when she showed up to my apartment to tell me that she was pregnant, I knew exactly what I had to do. I got on one knee and asked her to marry me.
We DID get married because we loved each other. The plan was for us to get married once my wife completed college. We just moved that up a couple of years when we walked down the isle. The ceremony was attended by us, of course, and a couple that went to school with her and my friend from the military along with the minister. We decided to tell our parents after the fact. Looking back, I am glad we did it the way we did. It made the stressfullness of that night disappear because we were focused on was each other.
The ceremony was quite nice and subtle. Afterwards we travelled to a nearby town to spend the evening at a bed and breakfast. It seems that after this point is where the rollercoaster began...
My wife travelled alone to tell her parents that we were married and that she was expecting. This was one decision that I do not think was the best. Upon hearing this, her parents were angry, upset and asked her to get her belongings out of their house. To make matters worse, they also called themselves Christians and her father was an elder at a rather large church. This makes it worse because at the time, while I did attend church with my wife, I never really called myself Christian because I felt that I had not earned that title yet.
My wife called me in tears. Her parents basically disowned her. Her siblings were appalled. The one person she was supposed to be able to lean on, me, was more than 5 hours away.
Upon her return, we were told by her parents to come back the next week in order to gather the rest of my wife's belongings while her parents were out of town. That weekend came and we went to her hometown. While we were there her sisters and her brother-in-law had us over for dinner. This was the first attempt by the family to get to know me even though I had been around for over a year. The brother-in-law and I sat on the couch and were talking about soccer. All the while I had an ear out listening to the girls talk. The more I listened that more I was becoming upset. Her sisters told her that she was tearing the family apart and that she was harming her parents' reputation. Finally after having enough, my wife ran to the bathroom crying. I followed right behind and let the family know my life story. I told them about my family. My upbringing. The lack of spiritual leadership in my home. That even though I was the only one my wife was ever with, I had been with others and she was the one I wanted.
This went on for about two hours before the sisters and the brother-in-law agreed that I was not what they thought. My wife and I left that evening. I felt confident that I had did the right thing.
The next week she received a phone call from her dad. He asked if she and I could come back down that weekend. I just knew it would be another knock down verbal battle. This time with the parents. I was scared to death!
We arrived at their home and her dad tried to small talk with me. Her mom walked out back and said nothing to either my wife or me. I thought, "So much for anything being different." As we sat down for dinner, I was informed that I was being placed inbetween her mom and her dad. As her dad began to say the prayer he then said the words that I still cannot believe that were said, "Today we welcome a new member to the family." Her mom gave me a big hug and kiss on the cheek.
I will tell the rest of the background soon. Stay posted.
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